Its over coz I'm not the one.

Its all over now.
I guess I am always going to have every ending like this.
I will not get it for this life, maybe next life too if I was ever reborn again.

Don't worry, this is not about my love life. I'm still very much in love with Kitts (and will always be).

This is about scholarship. Hehe. Suspense or not? hahaha..

*switch back to sad mood, lights off. spotlight on me. Slow and emotional music background*

Some people already know that I did try to apply for Star Edu Fund Scholarship. I know its not easy. But I was encouraged by Jon, Priscilla and Ben. They are all scholars, man. Unlike me. :(

Then, I got shortlisted. At that time, I felt like jumping up and down but I can't since my pyjamas pants are quite loose. I just woke up actually.

I went for the interview. You know, when they start to give you a chance by selecting you for final stage, it does give you extra hope, extra dream. I never thought I could get shortlisted coz I really think I'm very unlucky and don't deserve it. :( Low self-esteem prob.

I did okay for the interview, I guess. I can answer all questions that they threw to me. But sadly, it was for nothing. I'm not the deserving one. I found out when I was on the way to work. I was flipping through The Star in the car, since we were stucked in a massive jam.

My heart was like beating so fast when I saw the article with a pic of a group of people with certs at the top of it. Believe it or not, I didn't want to continue reading. I read just the headline. It was enough to tell me that I'm not the one. I wasn't there for the ceremony.

I told my dad, who was next to me. After that it was just him talking, I kept quiet all along. My eyes were teary but I didn't let the tears roll down. I knew that somehow, this is the ending. I will not get it. And will never stand a chance anymore.

I was quiet emotional in the morning at work. Later I was getting better. I guess God wants me to work even harder. Maybe I have to find my own way, pay the fees by myself. Okay, even though PTPTN and church loan won't be able to cover my fees.

Don't expect me to apply for next year's scholarship because it is too late to help me. Way too late. I'm about to start my second year, which cost even more. I do not want another more deserving person did not get shortlisted just because of me. Ahh.. Forget it. Forget about Star Scholarship. Its not for me. I must tell myself this.

Feels like its such a failure, and I'm a loser. My hope crashed just like that, by an article and a pic. amazing. Don't need to pujuk me. I don't need it. I really think I don't "deserve" anything right now.